Succeeding in the Wilderness of the Future, Part Deux

Oh I see. I see what's going on.

You think you're safe. You think you're happy. You've got everything figured out. You're sitting at home in a comfy chair with your little laptop, the quiet whirring of the computer's fan pacifying the stress of the day. You're at the desk in your home office, the dog, Tulip, lapping water out of her bowl in the living room the only sound in an empty house. You're reading The Wall Street Journal in the study, staying current on stock futures and how great your investments are doing. You have a job and a wife and kids, and you know that it's going to rain tomorrow, so it's best to be prepared by putting an umbrella next to the door tonight so you won't forget it in the morning. It's so peaceful, isn't it? Maybe you open the door to the kids room before you go to sleep, just to check on them, knowing they are safe in their beds and the goldfish are swimming around in the tank you got so little Timmy can have a friend. Maybe as you kiss your loyal wife goodnight you whisper a faint "I love you" in her ear, even if she's already asleep. you pull the covers over your head and you sleep soundly; the deep sleep that comes from a good hard day at work and a good hot meal at home. Don't worry...you've got everything in it's right place.

AND THEN THIS HAPPENS:
WORLD WAR THREE.

EVERYTHING IS GONE. THE WIFE, THE KIDS, THE REFRIGERATOR. You want to know where your little dog Tulip is? You want to know where timmy's goldfish are? THIRTY MILES SOUTHWEST OF YOUR POSITION. DEAD.

That's what happens to you when you think everything's going your way and everything's gonna be a-OK. quit your job and start preparing!!! You know what shiloh's doing? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW??? well get ready for this butt-kicking:

1) Sherwin signed a lease for a new place ALREADY
2) Nathan + Nate may have just found our dream house
3) Jon's got a fiancee so who cares
4) SO BOOYAH!

you are so naive. mister two and a half children. mister cookie-cutter. mister go with the flow. mister advertising specialist. get over yourself.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN NORTH KOREA SHINES A NUKE LASER ONTO YOUR ROOF AND BLASTS YOUR TROPHY WIFE INTO A MILLION PIECES?? YOU AND YA FRIENDS AH DEAD!

Succeeding in the Wilderness of the Future

Faced with the prospect of the apocalypse occurring in only 24 days, I have no choice but to update everyone on

1) How to Survive in the World, and
2) What Shiloh is Doing to Prepare:

first things first. How do you survive in the world? You survive by BEING PREPARED. Some practical ways you can be prepared is by making sure you have enough gas in your post-apocalyptic super-go-kart/skiff/jet/rocket plane/apollo spacecraft/car w/spikes for wheels. It's important that you have enough gas because gas is already a commodity, and when the world ends it's going to be the last thing people are fighting over. It's gonna be like gold so make sure you're gassed up and ready to roll and/or joust depending on the scenario. you don't want to hit the gas in a post-apocalyptic jousting match and have nothing happen. talk about losing street cred. get with it man!

another practical way you can be prepared is by making sure you choose the correct post-apocalyptic weapon. You don't, for example, necessarily want to choose a rocket launcher for your post-apocalyptic weapon because how many rockets are you really going to find once the nuclear dust settles? one? two? doubt it. if you're going to choose the rocket launcher be sure to collect enough rockets beforehand or you'll be stuck lugging around some dusty old hunk of metal for the rest of your life, and we already talked about gas...how are you gonna account for the extra weight in your super-go-kart? it's a waste. think about a sword or axe or something that doesn't need any extras. if zombies start turning up you'll be happy you don't have to scrounge for ammunition. A zombie hatchet, for instance, would work great in this type of future-scenario.

finally, another great way to be prepared is to horde food and water in a small, ultra-secret bomb shelter/hideout. the warped wooden shelves will hold a small assortment of nonperishable canned food and maybe a nailgun if you're lucky enough to have one of those. a small pistol, some cash, and maybe some gold rings in a safe in the corner is also a nice touch. tattered pre-apocalyptic movie posters sparsely decorate the walls. long after the bombs drop you know you are the bearer of the only key to your personal fallout shelter, where you can live safely with that special post-apocalyptic-someone for a solid six months to a year while the battle for oil, land, weapons, and just about everything else rages a few cubic feet of dirt above you.

BE PREPARED!

which brings us to our next and final question: "what are the residents of shiloh doing to prepare for the coming housing jumble/nuclear holocaust??" And the answer is that aside from Nate and Sherwin looking sporadically for houses on craigslist, we've done just about nothing to get ready for our epic move. no gas, no weapons (although I might try to steal the zombie hatchet from the laundry room at the last minute) no nothing. well actually that's not true, I did take the Death Star in to see what was wrong with it...

...but that thing wouldn't last five minutes in the post apocalyptic world...at least...not until I put SPIKED WHEELS OF DOOM on the hubcaps!!

...but seriously, Shiloh is not prepared to move at all.

-MCMC

We meet our hero as he stands on the precipice. His footing is weak.

We travel backwards to only moments ago where our hero rides into his enemies lands with determination and courage in his eyes. The brilliant gleam of victory lay on the horizon of the sunset sky. When suddenly he hears a crack like the trunks of a thousand trees bursting and falling to the ground. A great chasm opens in the ground in front of him, spewing steam and earth and fire upwards into the red sky. His stallion rears, knocking him off, and the poor beast tumbles into the void. Our hero slams into the earth, which quickly crumbles under him, he grasps hurriedly for solid ground but the dirt continues to give away. Our hero, who only moments ago beamed with strength and valor, now scurries like a helpless mouse. The earth cracks more and more; the sound like that of shattering bone. The courage in his eyes lost, replaced with fear, the fear of death.

Reach! Keep reaching! You can't die! You're going to die. NO! This is it. Everything is lost. What's this? This patch feels solid. Reach! Yes. The ground isn't breaking. This is it. On your feet. ON YOUR FEET!

We arrive again at our hero on the edge. He gazes into the blackness below. There appears to be no end. What must our hero do? Something shimmers in the corner of his eye. Where did that come from? He looks to the horizon, now shrouded by dust and smoke, and he sees it again. Glimmering beyond the dust and smoke, still on the horizon, is our hero's goal. His victory still lies ahead. He hears a whinny come from the hole. His horse...still alive? The stallion whinnies again, the sound is faint but unmistakable. There must be a bottom to this black gorge. He looks back to the horizon and victory. Only one thing stands in his way. He clenches his fists, tenses his brow, and begins the descent into the abyss.