What was not normal was tuesday morning's events that created a perfect storm
of passive-aggressive metro douchiness that few humans have the pleasure of witnessing in their pitiful, frail lifetimes.Allow me to begin. Sherwin and I's conversation on the metro every morning consists of me trying to avoid silence by being as loud as possible, and Sherwin just going along with it because you can't stop me. I hate it when people are stupid and quiet on the metro so I just counteract it by practically yelling. try it sometime, it's fun! Anyway we got on the train at Vienna and sat down in the chairs in the center of the seating area, which are the ones that are back-to-back with each other. We were having our normal, loud conversation. I think this time we were talking about how great The Watchmen is going to be and how we need to read the book before we see the movie next weekend. Then we started talking about how late we were every morning, and Sherwin said something to the effect of, "you should wake up early so you can...READ A BOOK or READ THE PAPER..." and I despised that comment because I perceive that as a yuppie trait that I refuse to take part in, so I said even louder than I had been talking before, "DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON ME SHERWIN, DON'T YOU EVER PUT THAT ON ME!" obviously I was joking but a woman in the seat directly behind us reared her passive aggressive head around and gave us a really long, exasperated "SHHHHHHHHHHH."
Sherwin and I lost it. We started laughing hysterically. Sherwin then proceeded to say, so that she could hear, "DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?" and then "DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO BE QUIET OR JUST YOU?" and we tried to get a little louder as the train ride progressed. People started crowding. West Falls Church Station was jammed with people trying to get onto our train, so it filled up quickly. As many of you know, when a metro train gets filled to the brim, people start crowding the door, and inevitably some idiot doesn't realize their backpack is preventing the doors from closing, and Metro trains don't move if the doors can't close, so you have to sit there at the station waiting for this ridiculous person to realize how he's quickly ruining everyone's day by holding up the train, and the metro operator gets on the loudspeaker and says something like, "PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS." and flicks the doors closing sound a bunch of times until the train starts moving again.
but the best kind of Metro operator, the kind we had that fateful day, is the "teaching" metro operator. Here is a transcription of what the metro operator said:
"PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS. CUSTOMERS ON THE PLATFORM, PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN AND YOU WILL SEE THAT THERE IS ANOTHER ORANGE LINE TRAIN ONE MINUTE BEHIND THIS TRAIN. ONE MINUTE. CUSTOMERS ON THE TRAIN, THIS TRAIN WILL NOT MOVE UNTIL ALL THE DOORS ARE CLOSED, IF I CANNOT GET THE DOORS CLOSED I WILL HAVE TO OFFLOAD THIS TRAIN."
it was great, it was like watching a dad scold his child. I was so happy.
By the time we arrived at Rosslyn Station the train was PACKED full of people. Rosslyn is where a lot of people get on and a lot of people get off, and since no one talks on the metro, this is always a tricky station to overcome. so on this particular morning, on a particularly packed train, people were particularly pissed. As the train came to a stop, one of the ladies that was sitting behind us got up and yelled--literally yelled, "EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GET OUT, GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR PEOPLE. EXCUSE ME!" There was this guy in the door but he wasn't really in the way, and the chick who shhh'd us earlier mumbled under her breath, "he probably doesn't speak english" At this point sherwin whipped out the douchiest and most awesome comment I've ever heard in awhile: "it's okay, she was fat. she was really, really fat. I understand." Geez sherwin I didn't know you had it in ya. but for all you people who think sherwin sucks now you're wrong. I mean this woman was not small, and the dude wasn't really in the way.
That was our morning metro ride. but the fun didn't stop there.
on the way back I was by myself in another cramped car, just trying to make it home. it was a long day and I was ready for chillin. and this dude definitely let a huge fart go right before he got off the train. directly next to me. I mean it was lit up. I was actually impressed. but he's still a jerk.
Emcee MC
In my defense:
ReplyDelete1) The metro is not a movie theater or an opera or the like. You should be allowed to talk in a normal everyday monotone. Any sense of privilege you think you have to normal personal comfort and space on a train crowded with people from different walks of life is null and void.
2) Perhaps it was insensitive to insult the young woman on a characteristic that had nothing to do with why I was so frustrated. However she behaved rather poorly, and was severely aggressive to this poor gentleman in a way that affronted him so publicly. Social etiquette died a long time ago and was replaced with personal entitlement.
1- I agree with Sherwin's sense of metro etiquette. Being as loud as possible when there are fewer passengers is a little insensitive to the reading crowd.
ReplyDelete2- Reading a book or a newspaper is not necessarily a yuppie thing. It depends on what one is reading. I think both are good things essential to feed our intellectual growth and being informed citizens (neither area which I am currently actively feeding).
1) or you can be as loud (without being unreasonble) as you want without having to be made to stop talking
ReplyDelete2) reading a book or newspaper is not a yuppie thing, if you want to avoid doing something just because of the status it entails, rather than your own personal genuine dislike for something and the desire to be your own person....well, then that, my friends, is a 'yuppie thing'
3) reading is cool and fun anytime anywhere anyplace, especially on the metro and on the can
i HATE when people talk on the metro. you're already stuck on a tube of germ infested death that takes way longer than it should to cover a given distance. the last thing i want to do on my trek to a place I already don't want to go is hear some jerks idiot conversation.
ReplyDeletealso, when you have to get out of the metro and people don't move, it's maddening. particularly when they just lean slightly away, making no room.
so, SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
2) screw you sherwin
ReplyDeletewait jon that was you?? I knew there was something oddly familiar about that old woman. Nice disguise!